Brain fart #2 - what pandemic?
On slowly uncovering the memories suppressed in the lockdown years
If you were anywhere in the Western world between 2020 - 2022, you likely experienced at least a short period of time in ‘lockdown’ due to the COVID-19 pandemic. While different states and countries had varying degrees of (arbitrary) restrictions, you would be hard-pressed to find someone who didn’t have a story of how they experienced amplified isolation, loneliness, anxiety, etc etc during it. In one way, you can see how this shared experience could unify us - or shared trauma being the great equalizer! - however, it could just as easily be argued that the complete opposite has happened, that we are more divided than ever, ideologically and politically.
But, I digress - and there’s a million think pieces on that topic from people far more knowledgeable than I. What I do want to talk about is the common experience (at least anecdotally) of missing memories of those years.
Like everyone else, general life stressors didn’t cease to exist for me during COVID. Pepper in a life-threatening illness and treatment for my spouse, no family support (our state had closed borders for much of the two years) and just general life ‘shit’, I came out of that time with increased anxiety and depression (like many people). In my quest to try to regain control over everything (myself), I started seeing a therapist to ‘work through’ the baggage I’d accumulated in the two years. I was able to quickly rattle off a timeline according to the ‘big’ events - spouse collapsing in the kitchen in agony, receiving the diagnosis, the surgery, learning he’d have to go through chemo anyway, trying to parent a baby and work full-time during it all anyway, being locked down for two weeks because maybe someone on a plane that my parents had been on had COVID - but struggled to recall really anything else. And I know there were moments of joy - part of what is amazing about humans is our ability to create moments of joy in hardship - but I just couldn’t seem to uncover them.
It occurred to me also that I didn’t have any real recollection of what my son was like between the ages of six months, and 2.5 years - of course, I had pictures, videos, and the memory of him taking his first steps, but couldn’t really piece together much else. While I am well-versed in the neuroscience of trauma (shoutout to my girl Judith Herman) and know that this was my brain’s way of keeping myself (and my family) safe during that period, I also knew that I was now firmly in Stage 1 of recovery - safety had been established. My spouse was (almost) in remission, pandemic restrictions were a relic of the past, and I was settled and secure in my everyday life. Surely Stage 2 was just about to happen?
In these situations, therapists usually encourage the recreation of memories through anything collected during that time - the pictures, videos, even my son’s toys and clothing from the time. While the memory may not be ‘organic’, I could piece together enough to feel, with pretty close accuracy, what my son was like, what our relationship was like, and what we shared. It may not be perfect, but like everyone else in the world, we make the best with what we are given.
Two years on from therapy, I drive my son to kindy on my way to work. I had someone share a Beatles song with me recently, so a few then made their way onto my ‘On Repeat’ playlist, which is blaring in the car. ‘Blackbird’ comes on, and my son says excitedly “Mummy! I know this song!” “Yes baby, I know, I used to sing this to you when you were little” - and then I caught myself. A MEMORY! Visions immediately came to me of my tiny, pudgy baby being held and bounced in my arms, singing ‘Blackbird’ and ‘Two of Us’ again and again because that was the only thing that would settle him when he was distressed. My overwhelming emotions were quickly brought back to reality when my son informed me that he actually knew the song from ‘Boss Baby’, but still. A real memory!
I’d love to hear if you’ve had any similar experiences with memories from the ‘lockdown years’, and whether they’ve come back?
Most of what I remember from lockdown is the long long walks I used to go on. I haven't been able to go on a walk on that route since.
Lockdown years drove me to my rock bottom. My memory of that period is completely shot and my partners is sketchy too because of the things I put her through with my behaviour.
A lot of people got sober during lockdown, I went the other way. I was a withering, anxious mess.