Light weight. Controlled aggression. Just fuckin do it.
Re-discovering strength and powerlifting (and everything that comes with it) as a 40-year-old woman.
What do you think of when you see the word “powerlifting”? I dare say if you’re not a lifter of some description, you’d think either a rather large or muscular figure from the former Soviet Bloc shifting an obnoxious amount of weight, or someone with the physique of a walking cloud, flexing at every opportunity. You probably wouldn’t think of a short, heavily tattooed woman in her early 40’s, breaking a sweat trying to pull up her knee sleeves over the girth of her calves. And while I’m not here with the intent of shaking up stereotypes, I do sing and praise the virtues of being swole AF for everyone, but especially Women of a Certain Age(tm).
“Trim down and tone up”
My entire adolescent and young adult life, I had considered the purpose of exercise to be merely to shrink myself. Despite being short, I’ve never had what you’d call a “delicate frame” - with wide hips, large and naturally muscular legs, I’m more built for surviving the unforgiving Balkan winters (while carrying the goats and large pots for cooking the ajvar ready for canning) than for fitting into a size 6. Those formative years for developing my sense of self and body image being the 90s and early 2000s, the message received from society/loved ones/my own internal critic was a resounding “be less”. Less size, less bulk, less output. And so, my life was centered around being less, and never being “less enough”.
In 2015, I tore my left ACL playing a contact sport (that’s a story for another day). The reconstruction surgery went smoothly, and I jumped into rehab. My exercise physiologist suggested I try lifting weights to assist in my recovery and connected me with my first trainer. By chance, the trainer had a special interest in powerlifting, and from the moment I touched the barbell I was hooked.
I lifted regularly and competitively between 2016 - 2019. Through those years, I met some of the most incredible and inspirational people in the world. Most importantly, I found myself surrounded by a variety of people and bodies - and not a single one of them was training in order to “be less”. Women whose bodies ranged from weight classes in under 48kg to over 110kg, all pushing the limits on what they ever thought was possible for themselves week after week. All finding the parts of themselves that they could nurture, train and grow to achieve these unreal goals they’d set for themselves - and the support crew around them, all doing the same for themselves and each other. From the 17-year-old Junior Team USA Olympic weightlifting hopeful to the 65-year-old grandmother hoping to be able to squat “big girl plates”, everyone in there had a purpose, a goal. More than the gains, the area I grew the most in those years was the pride and sense of purpose I had in my body. Additionally, the thing with powerlifting and strength sports in general, is that you can’t really “fluke” it. You can be naturally strong, but to keep increasing your strength, you have to work at it. You need to be consistent and disciplined, over a very long period of time, because the barbell will humble you if you aren’t.
In those early days, I had a relatively quick growth trajectory in my squats in particular - again, those Balkan legs came in handy for something. Soon, the numbers on the weight attempts and reps became intimidating. One thing you don’t realise when you start lifting is that the biggest barrier to overcome in getting the big lifts is the mental one - becoming intimidated and terrified of those numbers, the overwhelming feeling of doubt in your ability to squat THAT much. And naturally, getting into one’s head is far easier than being measured and rational.
I had never really thought about the link between lifting and mental discipline/focus/mindfulness until a conversation with my coach at the time, who spoke to me about my mindset pre-lift. Zeroing in on the barbell, and telling myself a “mantra” (don’t laugh) would help me essentially block those thoughts and doubts - like putting up a barrier around my mind. That’s where “Light weight. Controlled aggression. Just fucking do it.” was born, and I have used it before every single lift attempt - every set of 10-12, every single rep or max effort attempt - since.
“So you lift while pregnant - couldn’t you squat out your baby if you’re not careful?”
During my pregnancy in late 2018-early 2019, I kept lifting for the first 2.5 trimesters. Well-meaning family and friends attempted to persuade me to reconsider, strangers in the gym made ill-informed comments about “safety” when I would squat. The truth is, powerlifting during pregnancy is generally recommended (if continuing existing regular lifting etc), and correlates with positive outcomes post-partum. For myself, I credit regular and consistent lifting with having nil abdominal separation after childbirth. Within two months, I was attending reformer pilates classes. Within three, I was lightly lifting again. The strength I gained and maintained during that period, I believe, assisted in my very quick recovery post emergency and traumatic c-section.
In the years after that, I’d made a few attempts at getting back into regular lifting again. The pandemic years made it essentially impossible to be able to go to a gym, so I invested in a home gym. While I loved having it there, I wasn’t ever able to get back into the regular, consistent patterns that I had loved so much earlier on. There was always something - my child as the priority (of course), work, spouse health, extended family needs, emergency surgery, more IVF, miscarriage, gynecological surgery, flood, moving house, etc etc. No matter how desperately I wanted to make lifting a priority, the universe kept telling me it wasn’t quite time yet.
This is 40
In 2024, I turned 40. My body decided that right at this time, it would do a complete 180 on its lifting message - I entered perimenopause essentially as soon as I hit that 4-0 and felt as though my body had become a completely foreign species. We moved to an area which had a fabulous lifting gym, my son had gotten to an age where I could prioritise going to the gym after work a few days a week without it impacting him. Essentially, I was yearning to do something that would give me that space, time and permission to take ownership and control over my body, and that limited time I had to myself. And powerlifting is exactly the exercise I should be doing during perimenopause - women my age and older need to be doing exercises which build strength and muscle and counteract the impacts of reduced estrogen on bone density and cognitive functioning. The aim for us in lifting here is to “be more” - stronger, faster, muscular.
Entering a new lifting gym at 40 is quite intimidating. With my chubbier, softer post-partum body, I knew it would take me a while to get re-acquainted with the barbell, and I might have to learn to do the lifts in a few different positions (the lifting belt just doesn’t sit the same post-c-section). While many people in the gym were significantly younger than me (as opposed to being one of the “young ones” myself in 2016), it was not difficult to find the variety in people again. In the squat rack in front of me, a 51-year-old woman fitting in a session after her work shift that day. In the deadlift platform on my right, a phenomenally strong woman lifting 180kg for sets of 2. Getting under the bar and doing those first sets of 40kg squats was absolutely humbling - I knew that if I wanted to increase the numbers, that the work would have to be regular, consistent and disciplined.
Since then, I’ve had one comp (pseudo-novice one, which I surprised myself and did well in) and I’m preparing for another in 5 weeks’ time. I’ve torn my hamstring, and I cried over my squats this week. While the goal may look like the weight on the 3rd attempt of the lift on meet day, the real growth happens in the everyday training, the physical as well as the mental. Nursing injuries (which become so much more frustrating as you get - ahem - older), shifting life commitments in order to make the lifting/yourself a priority, asking yourself “is what I’m doing really worth it?” is all part of the process. And the payoff is more than the epic gainz.